Why Can't I Own A Canadian?
by Maeve-Juniper
Summary: And just when Canada was starting to have a good day.


Matthew Williams was having a very nice day. He had been greeted numerous times by complete strangers at the grocery store, and had partaken in a game of street hockey he had been invited to. Of course this is how he usually was treated in his own country, with kindness and affection. It made being invisible most of the time to other nations and their people more bearable.

Just when he thought it couldn't get any better, a knock at the door indicated that he had a surprise guest. Or a Jehovah's Witness. Either way it had brightened up his spirits even more.

The most amazing part of his day had to be that moment, because standing at his door was Arthur Kirkland. England rarely ever visited, as most of the time he forgot of the Canadian's existence. Matthew was hoping he was here to see him, and hadn't mistaken his house for Alfred's again. "Hello, Arthur!" He said excitedly, opening the door wide.

At this point Arthur would usually see the interior, realize it wasn't the American's house, apologize without any explanation and be on his way. Matthew stood on his toes, waiting for the inevitable.

Miraculously, Arthur walked in past Matthew and took a seat in a comfortable blue armchair. "What are you standing there for, lad?"

The Canadian nervously rushed to sit across from Arthur, not truly believing what was currently going on. It's been decades since Arthur came over like this, and Matthew wasn't sure how to handle it. He had to remind himself that Arthur could still be thinking of him as Alfred, there was a high chance that he would be off again.

"So I assuming that you know of Alfred's closed government at the moment?" A really weird feeling of relief filled Matthew. Sure this wasn't exactly what he wanted to talk about with the Brit, but at least he knew where he stood.

"I heard it was your fault." Arthur continued. Okay, maybe not.

"E-eh?! H-how does that have to do with me?"

"Your tar sands-"

"Oil…" Matthew corrected under his breathe.

"-are a very big issue there at the moment. Apparently the Republicans are wanting to go forward with your pipeline."

"But the whole entire shut-out happened because of the Obamacare…" Matthew knew it was a moot point right now, Arthur was obviously trying to make any excuses he could for Alfred.

"That's another topic I wished to discuss with you. The American president may not be so insistent on that healthcare plan if it weren't for your universal healthcare right next door."

"Are…-are you suggesting I change my healthcare plan? B-but we're all happy with it!"

"Of course I'm not suggesting that."

Canada sighed with relief.

"I'm suggesting you don't rub it in their faces so often, or try to convince the others that it's a good idea."

"So you want me… to convince the U.S government… to take note from me?" It was the most ridiculous and impossible thing Matthew has ever heard in his life. Why is it that these sort of things always come out of Arthur's mouth? Does he think the Canadian has some sort of handle on his brother? It wouldn't be too surprising, since Arthur knew next to nothing about him.

"That would be ideal, yes. They respect you, so it should be a simple task."

"A-Arthur… I don't think you really understand the relationship between Alfred and me…"

"Sure I do, it's the best in the world, right? Number one trading partners, longest undefended border in the world, all those fantastic things." But Arthur doesn't sound too impressed, more like he's an infomercial.

"T-that's true, but it's not as balanced as-"

"Matthew would you brew some tea? It really should have been taken care of upon my arrival, haven't I taught you better manners than that?"

_Well, when you drop by unannounced…_Matthew thought as he pulled himself out of his chair and made it to the kitchen. "What kind of tea do you want, Arthur?"

"Earl Grey is fine. Two sugars, please."

Matthew took out two mugs, then filled his kettle with water. He placed it on the stovetop and went back to the mugs, pouring two spoonfuls of sugar and Earl Grey teabags in each.

A loud, obnoxious banging on the door interrupted the preparation. "Matthew you will be getting that today, won't you?" Arthur called, only adding stress to the Canadian.

Matthew sped-walked to the entrance, knowing that Arthur would probably scold him if he ran. It was always a little annoying the way he bossed Matthew around where Alfred always got off scot-free, but Matthew figured it was because he was a Commonwealth Nation, where Alfred was not.

Before Matthew could fully open the door, Alfred burst in. "Hey bro, 'sup?"

"I sort of have a guest over, Alfred, so-"

"Come on, Mattie, I came over for a reason!"

"Okay, but could you make it quick, please? Before-"

"Matthew, who is that?" Arthur called, not having a clear view of the front door from his armchair.

Alfred's clear blue eyes widened. He leaned over a little and lowered his voice considerably. "Mattie, is old man eyebrows in your house?"

"If you mean Arthur, than yes, but-"

"I though he only liked to bug the crap out of me!" Alfred exclaimed much too happily. Pushing his brother aside, Alfred assumingly went over to join Arthur.

Matthew took a moment to gather himself before joining his family in the living room. Once he saw the both of them, he knew things had taken a turn for the worse. Arthur was yelling at Alfred about this and that while the American sprawled himself out on the coach, remote in his lap and T.V on.

"-trying to enjoy each other's company, but no, you have to turn that blasted television on! And when your brother was being so careful in making sure everyone is comfortable." Arthur lectured.

Two things ran across Matthew's mind at that moment. The first was that their previous conversation had hardly been 'enjoying each other's company' and the second was that Arthur scolded Alfred just as much as himself. It was only hard to remember sometimes because Alfred never did what he was told to do. The Canadian was an entirely different story, every word from Arthur was law.

Once Alfred noticed his brother's presence, he flicked off the T.V and sat straight on the coach, giving Matthew a determined gaze. It really wasn't helping Matthew's nerves.

"Mattie, how come I can't own you?"

"What the bloody hell are you talking about?!" Arthur was the first to react while Matthew just stared at the American, completely floored.

Still looking directly at Matthew, Alfred answered the question. "Someone told me that it was okay to own a slave-"

"A slave?!" Arthur's interruption went largely ignored.

"-as long as they were from a neighbouring country. Then I asked another friend about it, and he said I can own a Mexican, but not a Canadian. So, what I'm asking is; why can't I own a Canadian?"

"Hmm, I don't know Alfred, maybe because slavery is illegal? Do you even think about things before you say them, or do you just skip that step?"

Alfred gave Arthur an annoyed look. "I came here to talk to my brother Mattie, not you, Iggy Eyebrows."

"So I am just supposed to sit here and accept you trying to buy Canada as a slave? Is that what you would like from me?"

"Well, when you put it that way, yes. Yes, I would."

"Out of all the-" A loud hissing sound distracted Arthur from finishing his sentence. Matthew practically leaped out of his seat, happy for an excuse to leave.

"That's the kettle. I'll be right back." Matthew said, making his way to the kitchen. He ignored the protests from Alfred and triumphant comments from Arthur.

While in the kitchen, Matthew absorbed himself with the tasks he'd given himself. He made sure the tea was exactly the way Arthur liked his Earl Grey, he placed the mug, kettle, sugar and a bowl of teabags on a tray then prepared a platter of mini sandwiches to prolong the time he'd have to go back. He even contemplated making little cupcakes or any baked good, but decided against it. If he took too long, he was certain the Brit and American would just join him in the kitchen eventually.

It took two rounds back to the kitchen to get both the tray and platter on the coffee table in the living room. Arthur seemed pleased with Matthew, actually smiling at him when he brought out the mini sandwiches. Alfred swooped in on the platter, shoveling mini-sandwich after mini-sandwich into his mouth.

There was a pleasant silence as Matthew grabbed his tea and sat back down, taking tiny sips. He could almost pretend that neither Alfred or Arthur were in his living room, that he was just enjoying his lovely isolation. Why exactly did he want to be seen by them, anyways, when they pulled stuff like this?

"Would you slow down on the sandwiches, Alfred? I haven't had a single one, and they were prepared for me." Arthur complained.

Alfred gave him a blank stare. "Mattie likes me more, so I think he would want me to have them. Besides, he's going to be mine soon, anyways."

"If he really did like you than he would have offered you tea." Arthur pointed out. It would've been a good point, too, if Matthew had actually offered the Brit any tea.

What happened next was something Matthew never could have predicted. Alfred looked from the platter, to the tray, to Arthur, to Matthew, then back to the tray again. His gaze stayed on the tray for awhile, inexplicably stressing the Canadian out.

"I… I get it now." Alfred said, his voice small.

"What is it now, twit?" Arthur asked irritably. He wanted Alfred gone so he could continue talking about the American with Matthew.

"Why I can't own Matthew… he belongs to you!"

The Canadian spit out a mouthful of tea, getting it on his carpet. "I-I… what?"

"Of course he does, wanker. Really, you should've realized this when he became a Commonwealth."

"B-but… you don't own… the Commonwealth Nations…"

"That is correct, I don't currently own most of the Commonwealth Nations, nor do I own Canada. But you, Matthew, are basically mine in every sense of the word." Arthur says smugly, taking a sip of his tea.

Matthew was starting to get a headache just trying to wrap his head around the whole thing. Was Arthur really right? The Canadian tended to listen to Arthur all this time even though he didn't really have to anymore, so was it out of some sort of subconscious obligation? For a very long time, Matthew had felt the need to impress Arthur, and at one point in time Alfred wanted to do the same thing. Eventually Alfred stopped doing that, but Matthew has never stopped. He usually just chalked it up to being more obedient and lenient than Alfred, but maybe Arthur was right. The only question was whether or not he wanted to be owned by the Brit.

The answer was fairly simple. He didn't want to be owned by anyone.

"I-I think now is a good time for everyone to just go home, eh? It's been a really nice visit-"

"How much for him." Alfred asks bluntly, his eyes on Arthur's.

"W-what? You can't be serious-"

"Not for sale." Arthur retorted.

"Okay, I'm becoming uncomfortable with you both here. We should-"

"Everyone has their price."

"Alfred, will you stop? This joking around is starting to-"

"Well I don't. Matthew has always been a particularly good lad."

"A-Arthur…"

Alfred's lip twitched upwards. "Now that just sounds perverted."

"A-Alfred!"

"It does not! You Americans, with your minds always in the gutter."

Matthew had given up reasoning with either of them. Instead he went upstairs.

"Listen Iggy, Mattie would be much happier with me. I remember him way more often than you, we play games together, we're neighbours, and I protect him. You don't even really have a use for him anymore."

Arthur seemed to consider this. He took another sip of his tea and a bite out of his sandwich. "Fine. You can have him for… twenty million."

"Jesus Iggy, what the hell kind of a price is that?! I don't even get Canada as a landmass out of this!"

"Twenty-five million. And if you keep complaining I'll keep upping the price."

Alfred groaned. "Okay, I'll take him for twenty-five million. God damn pricey Canadians…"

Arthur finished off his tea. "But there are a few conditions. Since he is apart of the Commonwealth, you cannot fully own him nor does it give you the right to know of any happenings in the Commonwealth."

"Like I would want to, anyways."

"You have no right to abuse Matthew in any way, and the requests you give him may be declined by him at any time, and I will enforce this rule whenever needed. This trade does not mean Matthew will be compliant with you nor that he cannot serve me if he so wishes."

"These rules are really dumb."

Arthur shrugged. "They're there for a reason." The Brit shuffled around his pocket for a moment, taking out a cheque book. "Now, fill in this check to finalize the trade."

Alfred took the cheque book and a pen Arthur offered him, filling in the blanks. Once finished, he handed the book back to a slyly grinning Brit. "Thank you for the business."

"Yeah, whatever. You think Canada will get down here soon? I want him to hear the good news."

"I'm sure he'll be back any minute."

True to the Brits word, Canada did come down shortly. He was wearing some PJ's and wrapped in a blanket with Kumajirou at his heels. Matthew was a little annoyed and surprised that Alfred and Arthur were still in his house. He was hoping they would've left by now.

"Hey Mattie!" Alfred nearly sprinted to the top of the stairs. He lifted the Canadian up bridal style and zipped back down, depositing his brother beside him on the coach.

"I just bought you for twenty-five million from Iggy!" Alfred proclaimed.

"That's great, Alfred." Matthew says flatly.

"Do you know how awesome this is?! You're gonna move in with me, and-"

"I'm not moving in with you, Alfred." Matthew states.

Alfred's mood deflates. "What? But, I-"

"He still has the right to decline your requests, Alfred." Arthur interrupts.

"That is so stupid! You got him to-"

"I didn't make him do anything, though. It was out of his free will that he did things for me."

"So what you're telling me is that I basically paid you for nothing?"

"That all depends on how you look at it, Alfred." Arthur got up from his seat, indifferent to a fuming Alfred.

"This is so unfair!"

"Do you think it was fair to assume you could own Matthew?"

"Well… I guess not, but-"

"Take this as a lesson, Alfred. People should do things for you because they want to, not because they have to. Does it mean the person having things done for them deserves it? Maybe not, but I like to think that blame can't be put on them for another persons actions."

Matthew stared at Arthur with awe. Was the Brit trying to get a subliminal message across? Alfred, on the other hand, seemed completely down. "But… what about my money…?"

Without looking over his shoulder, Arthur tossed back the cheque book. "Here. Next time, Alfred, I won't be so kind to your mistakes." Then he_ did_ look over his shoulder, setting his eyes on Matthew. "We'll continue our conversation on the phone, Matthew. Much less interruptions that way." And with that, the Brit as gone.

Matthew wasn't sure what to make of his day anymore.

* * *

**Author's note:**

**EDITED: Fixed some grammar and spelling issues. Not sure if I got them all though XD**

**This is inspired by the search engine meme about owning Canadians or whatever. I have no idea if this was already done, but I don't really care. Also please don't take this seriously, it is a humour fic but somehow turned a little angsty lol. Anyways, hope you enjoyed!**


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